11-5-11 Zedekiah

11-5-11                     Zedekiah

I have been overwhelmed at the out-pouring of love and the tender mercies of the Lord. 

I was thirteen weeks along yesterday.  Zedikiah passed from my womb on November 4^th, 2011 about 3:15pm. 

I started bleeding Wednesday morning about 10am.  I called Jill (my Midwife) at noon not knowing what was wrong.  I got a priesthood blessing from President Batchelor and Terry Bowler shortly after 12.  Then Irene brought me herbs that I began taking at 1pm.  I had hoped I was preventing a miscarriage.  The blessing and the Spirit confirmed within me peace.  I knew the blessing would be true that my body would be healed and that all would be well.  What that picture looked like in between now and the end was uncertain.  Other friends also had a feeling of peace and we had great hope that the baby would be ok.  The bleeding was slowing down by the afternoon when Jill came to listen for a heartbeat.  We could not hear anything, but thought perhaps it was too soon in the gestation for detection.  She put me on bed rest getting up only to go to the bathroom, which I followed.  I went to bed that night and slept for 12 hours.

I am amazed at the tapestry that the Lord weaves through my life.  Without my planning or knowledge of what was happening to my body, the Lord orchestrated the circumstances beautifully so that all has turned out to be well.  I woke up the next day and spent the day in bed.  My Mom got here to look after me and the children at 9am.  The bleeding was very minimal until 3:15 pm when I had a gusher.  We later discovered what we think is the baby on the pad, though I did not know for certain then that I was even having a miscarriage.  The uncertainty was tormenting me as I lay on my bed and offered up my whole soul to God trying to listen and understand.  I saw an image in my mind of me being able to raise and hold my baby of about three years old in the millennium.  I started to cry uncontrollably and felt strongly I needed Joshua.  I called him and he ran home from work within three minutes.  The evidence came when I had another gusher at 4:15.  I knew for sure it was a miscarriage after Jill got here about 5:20.  My blood pressure is normally low, but when she saw it at 70 / 51?  she instructed Joshua to call the paramedics to account for the time delay in case I was really hemorrhaging.  We then got to work.  By the time they got there at took my blood pressure, we had it back up to 90/?61.  The day before it was 94 over? 65 which is my norm.  Feeling we were out of the danger zone, I chose to stay home.  We continued to work and to monitor.   Irene was also there who had a miscarriage a year ago, along with my Mother who had a miscarriage shortly after I was born.  The miscarriage proceeded normally and I had been stable for a few hours by the time Jill left for the night. 

The tormenting thoughts after the miscarriage assailed me: did I do something wrong?  Was I not ready yet?  Was I not obedient enough?  What could I have done more?  I am all too aware of my imperfections, but the tender mercy of the Lord came to me in my hour of need and said this was not something I neither caused nor deserved;  It is simply part of my path and I am in the Hand of the Lord.  This was just one of those things in life that comes ‘through no fault of their own’. 

Despite the moments of uncertainty, I have felt constantly enveloped in peace.  My condition is stable and all is going normally.

God bless you all for all your prayers and your love.  Thank you for your compassion and tears.  I have truly come to see that I am loved more than I ever thought before.  Thank you for the immediate response from friends, family, and medical care alike.  I am overwhelmed by your love and appreciate eternally the tender mercies of the Lord.